During our trip to Goa I got to listen to this song Cool Kids. I am not even sure who is it from but it was a pleasant tune and even my kids were singing it after hearing it for the first time. I got me thinking about me and my youth. I was never part of the cool kids. They were a bunch of handsome and rich (or upper middle class)neighborhood kids who spoke French like the French themselves and live their lives like they were the cast of 90210. I used to hang with the cool kids, long enough to envy their lifestyles but also to discover that they were not what I needed in my life at the moment. At a very young age I had to make a decision whether to keep on hanging with them or find other friends that were more suitable to what I wanted. I was barely 15 and I witnessed them going to clubs, having sex and creating dramas. Moreover I always felt that I was never really a member of their gang. I was more like the girl they tolerated just because my best friend at the time was a member of the gang. They were having a negative influence on me and I just wanted to be free from all of them. And I did. It was a painful cut but in the process I went back to family and childhood friends and discovered where I really belonged.
Fast forward 18 years and I am still not part of the cool kids or mothers. I live a lonely life because I move from one place to another. I like people but they also scare me. And if I see that we clearly do not have much in common, I would not bother hanging out with you. When I lived in Japan, I had my set of friends and I would divide my time between them. In the US I had no one to talk until the last two years. In India I have some mom friends but we do not hang much outside the school playground or play dates. Therefore I spend lots of time by myself doing things for myself. I watch a lot of crappy movies, sew even crappier clothes, even eat alone. Sometimes I like it. Other times I just want to cry.
It is not like there are no other women around me I could hang with. The school my kids go to offer a plethora of women I could befriend. But I have a bad habit, I judge people even before getting to know them and decide whether they would be good for me or not. I did it countless of times in the past and missed on opportunities to be friends with excellent people. Still I do it again and again. Let me give you examples of how I judge:
- Indian mothers scare me because most of them do not smile or say hello. Moreover most of them are as rich as Cresus therefore hanging with them would be a tad hard for the simple person I am.
- Foreigner moms also live a lifestyle of coffees, Zumbas, sari parties and ladies nights. There is nothing wrong with most of that but I do not do ladies night. I barely even go on diner dates with my husband let alone leave him and the kids at home at night to go partying.
Now you see how it would be hard for me to make new friends.
On top of that I have a strong fear of rejection. If I cough up the courage to invite you for coffee and you turn me down, chances are I will never invite you again. It is not because I am petty. No, I am scared of not being liked. Plus, once you start a relationship with someone, they may do something that will either hurt you or disappoint you. And I would rather be free of the heartache.
The funny part is that if you ask my oldest friends, they will tell you that all of it is just nonsense, that I am a very open person who likes people. They are partly right because I do not show that side of me to them.
So what am I supposed to do? Be more open? Be more inviting? Or wait for someone to hand me a life jacket? I just want girlfriends with whom I can exchange laughs, tips or complaints. I just need someone who would make me feel less lonely in this small town. I do not need them to be rich or cool, just fun and open and understanding. Is that so much to ask?
Anyway, enough of my rant. I leave you with pictures of my latest design. I call it the Kente Baseball tee. I got the idea after seeing a grey jumper with African prints on the Internet. Since I do not know how to make baseball tees (or jumpers yet), I cheated a bit. I lucked out when I saw white baseball tees at a shop in M.G.road. I bought two of them one to use as a template and the other one to sew. For the one I am wearing I just removed the sleeves, traced them on Kente fabric and attached the traced sleeves to the tee. I love the end result. If I find other baseball tees I may reproduce them but this time with sequins sleeves. And who knows I may even make some for the kids to match because I realized that Raglan sleeves (the kind of sleeves you find in baseball tees) are really easy to draft and sew.
Baseball tee - Sunder Sale shop, M.G. road then refashioned by me
Skirt - Sunder Sale shop, M.G. road