The debate over who should cook Iftar

Happy month of Ramadan. 

If you have been following me for a while, you know what is Ramadan by now. But if you are new to this blog, and are not aware, Ramadan is a holy month when Muslim all around the world will fast from dawn till dusk, pray more and do good deeds. It is a month where you should increase practicing your faith. It is also a month of sharing as we are encouraged to donate food to people who are less fortunate. 

Top - Sinniature (my clothing line)

Pants - Numero Uno

Sandals - Sandaga market

Recently a huge debate happened on Twitter when someone posted a memo of the government of Gambia. The memo read: “This is to authorise all female civil servants to close work at 1400 [2pm] from Monday to Thursday and adhere to the normal closing time for Friday [12:30pm] in honour of the holy month of Ramadan which officially begins today Tuesday.” Women were allowed to go home earlier to prepare for Iftar (meal to break the fast). 

Gambia is a small country inside Senegal. I have ties with the country because part of my Dad's family is living there. And for some reasons, I do follow many young gambian ladies on Twitter. That is how I was are of the debate. Many of these young ladies were outraged and called the memo sexist and discriminatory. In return, many men reacted to those comments calling the women feminist, and europeanized. The debate ended up being about patriarchy and feminism.

Gambia is similar to Senegal in a lot of ways. In Gambia and in Senegal, patriarchy is alive and well. Women are expected to take care of all household chores whether they work or not. A woman's place is in a the kitchen, some believe. It is the pride of a woman to cook and feed her family. Women who cannot cook in our societies are often shamed. It is even a cause of divorce. During Ramadan, it seems like Senegambian women increase their cooking. They all prepare nice food for their household, going out of their ways to make snacks and juice. They also have people over usually the single friends of their husbands for Iftar. It is an entire art of cooking and serving. Obviously with all the time they spend cooking for iftar (the meal to break the fast) and suhoor (the meal we have in the morning before we start fasting), women are often exhausted during Ramadan. They are so exhausted they barely have time to devote time to prayers. And men encourage this behavior by telling them that cooking and taking care of them is the women's Jihad, their way of serving God. 

However, now the more I think of it, the less I am convinced. Nowhere it is said in our religion that only women have to cook and clean and do chores. And actually our Prophet (PBUH) was known to help his wives in the household. Cooking and serving one's family is a proof of love for some women. But it becomes a burden when it is forced. 

When I was married, I used to cook a lot during Ramadan as well. I also would stay up all night to make sure I would not miss Suhoor so I could wake my then husband up. 90% of the time, I used to make fresh meals for him and I, and the kids. And even on my period (during which I am not supposed to fast and pray), I was still expected to wake up to take care of him and sit besides him while he ate. 

I actually did not mind the cooking and the sleepless nights that much because I was a stay at home mom. I could always sleep during the day while the kids were at school. But I have to admit that they were days I resented my husband because I had to cook for him. I could not possibly imagine the chaos my life would have been if I was working as well. 

That is why when I read the memo the first time, I thought that it was not that bad that women were allowed to go home early to prepare for Iftar. Believe me if my office gave me that option, I would take it. I probably would go home and do nothing now as I am single living with overbearing parents. And I am sure most of the women protesting would do the same. But I get where they are coming from. Women are only allowed to go home to cook for their husbands. It does send the wrong message, that we as women are only good for that. Moreoer, this was not decided during Lent for the christian ladies therefore this meausre is also discriminatory. I understand that Chrisitans do fast differently but they still need to cook diner. When a governement takes a measure, it has to make sure that it includes everyone. 

But that is where we are now. We are living in a society that still expects the woman to cook and clean and wait on men be it your father, brother, husband and son. Even in my family that I still consider to be very modern (after all my Dad prepares the table for Iftar and Suhoor sometimes), my Mom and I are still expected to cook. Thankfully we have a maid so we do not cook every day. 

In some households, it is the daughter in law who has to slave in the kitchen for everyone even her own sisters in law who are more than capable to help but refuse to do so. It is expected of her because she is the one who came to join the family. If it is hard enough trying to cook daily for your husband, imagine if you have to do it for an entire family. It is exhausting. Plus in some families, ordering food is considered taboo. Things are slightly changing but a wife that orders out is still considered as a bad and lazy woman. Furthermore, some men do not like it when the maid is cooking for them, they prefer their wives cooking. With husbands like that, how do you expect women to have lives?

This society will not change anytime soon. It might take a generation or two. More women are coming out advocating for changes and more men are supporting the movement. Still this society is fundamentally patriarchal. And it is disheartneing to see some women even advocate for patriarchy. 

Personally I do not like doing chores at all. I like to keep my house clean but truth be told I find chores to be a huge waste of time. I used to hate it when my then husband would sit and watch TV with the boys while I was in the kitchen cleaning the dishes. I used to think that I was missing out on some precious family time doing dishes that would be dirty tomorrow.  I like cooking and trying new recipes. And I am the happiest when my boys devour anything I serve them, and ask for seconds. But I cannot see myself cooking everyday, particularly Senegalese dishes that are so elaborate and take too much time. I am very good at ordering food. My motto is why kill myself to cook when I know someone who I can make it better than me for a price. I often joke that my future husband better be rich to pay for a cook and a maid because I will not be doing any chores around the house. I was not build for that life. 

In reality I think that both partners should find a way to share the chores because after all the house is for the both of them. If I cook, you wash the dishes, If I sweep the floor, you dust around. If I buy groceries, you put them away. And if one of us wants to go over and beyond for someone, by doing something special around the house, then he or she can. And parents should stop excepting their daughters in law to become their maids. If you want a maid, hire one. When it comes to Ramadan, spouses should make sure that this time is for worshipping God. A husband should spend time with his wife discussing about the religion, instead of him praying while she is too busy cooking to even break her fast. I used to love the time I would pray Fajr (morning prayer) with my ex husband. It was a sweet time. I felt spritually very closed to him. And that was the only time in the day I could take my time to read the Quran.  For Iftar I was always too busy making sure the food was ready for him and the rest of the family to eat. 

I think this new generation will be changing things in our society. Women will no longer accept certain behaviors for men. Even some men will not follow in the patriarchy footsteps. But the battle is far from being over. Actually it has just started. As a woman, I think that I should do my part to change things around. And what better way to start than with my boys. And I should do it quickly because the way these boys have been entitled lately, sitting at the table bossing me around to cook them their favorite foods, they are on their way to burden their future wives. It starts today.