Blanche Neige (Snow White)

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Growing up, I used to watch Disney Princess Movies. I also used to believe that someday my Prince Charming would come. Now, it is safe to say that after a failed relationship, I no longer believe in fairy tales. I no longer believe in love. I have love for people around me: my family, my friends Yet I have given up on Romantic Love. I know it exists but I am not sure it is for me. 

Now I hate fairy tales because they depict men as being charming, loving, caring, always there to save the day. Well, in real life most men are not. And I am not really blaming them because after all they are only human. I am not like Snow White or Aurora either. I am not beautiful, at least not the standard, I am not soft I do not speak in a lady like voice. I do not sing to or with animals, and I do not sacrifice myself to save who I love or take abuse with a smile. Well I used to. But not anymore.

I have locked my heart and threw away the key in the sea. Because I do not want to fall for someone again and get my heart broken. When I love someone, be it friendship or romantic, I always put them on a pedestal. That someone can do no wrong in my eyes. And then I am crushed when they do something to me I could not have fathom. These past three years, people I cared deeply for have broken my heart. I am trying to forgive and move on, but it is hard. I find myself filled with resentment. I get so angry sometimes I even frighten myself. Then instead of dealing with my raw emotions head on, I prefer to get distracted with entertainment, family life and work. 



Kaftan and Pants - Numero Uno
Shoes - Thrift
Earrings - Petersen Market
Bracelets - borrowed from my Mother
Phone - Gift 


 These last three years, I have lost everything as well: my family unit, my home, my belongings, my sense of security and my ability to hope. I was always a negative person. But now I am even more pessimistic. I do not see a future with a good man. Actually the more I learn about our society, the more I interact with people, the more I am convinced I will never fall in love again.


I am no expert but I diagnosed myself with PTSD. I am traumatized. And because of that, I no longer want to put myself in a situation where I will give my heart freely away. Men have a tendency to play with women's hearts. As soon as they know you love them, they play soccer with your feelings. Sometimes they even trample your heart. And please do not come at me with your comments in the likes that there are some good men out there. Of course there are good men. I know some. But my will to not fall in love have nothing to do with just a man or two who did me wrong . It has also something to do with me. It has something to do with my weakness. It has something to do with the fact that I let those men do me wrong.  I never want to be in that weak position again, going around in circles, trying to do everything and anything for one person because you need love and attention. Love should not be that hard. Yes, it takes lots of work to be and stay in a relationship. But it should not feel like a constant struggle. You should not force it. It is not right. 


They say you should not let a bad experience change who you really are. But guess what, if I do not change after this failed relationship, then how can I grow? I have to learn something out of this entire ordeal otherwise what is the point of it all? And the lessons I have learned are the following:

* Be your own woman and rely solely on yourself or very closed family
* Do not silence your voice
* Do not uplift someone else by putting yourself down
* Do not lose sight of what is really important to you
* Chase your dreams
* Put yourself first
* Chose your battles
* Listen to that little voice inside your head
* Take care of your mental health
* Believe in yourself
* Love yourself

Who knows? Maybe in a year or two I will change my tune. I will open up my heart again. That is the beauty of life and love. When you least expect it, it knocks you down, sometimes in a bad way, sometimes in a good. Only time will tell. As for now, I will try and concentrate on chasing the demons of my failed relationship away, and heal. I owe it to myself to get better.

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