21 questions
Do you know the song 21 questions by 50 cents, where he asks his girlfriend 21 questions about him and their relationships? Well, on the Internet, several people (mostly women) have came up with questions they think one must ask on first dates or to the person they are dating to determine whether or not they are suitable. Suitable for mariage, for those who are dating to seek a legal and/or accepted by religion long termed partner. Those questions can range from "do you want children?" to "where do you want to live after mariage?". Or just the basic: "are you dating anyone else at the moment?" But they can also be deeper.
I used to think that those questions are essential to ask at the beginning of any (serious) relationship. When I was getting married, it never occured to me to ask those questions. All I wanted was to be that man's wife and the future was left to God. However, after I divorced, I started "educating" myself more about relationships and mariage. I starting to think about what I wanted, and what I did not want. And became more vocal about it. Although I have not been in a relationship leading up to mariage ever since, I knew what to ask the men I was seeing.
Nevertheless, I have started to doubt the questions or at least the process. I have realised that with some men (and women), they know exactly how to respond to please you and not show their true self. Let us face it, dating is a game where you try to show yourself in the best light possible. That means most of the time, you will hide the things that you think may repulse or be a turn off to your date. If your man asks you if you can cook, you answer yes when you know you can't even boil an egg. Or when your women asks you if you are seeing anyone, you responds by the negative when you know you have unresolved issues with that girlfriend who dumped you but still texts you when she feels lonely. We all lie, unintentionally because we do not want to show our flaws, our vulnerability. We all want to look perfect enough to be married off.
That is why, we see a rise in divorce because after the mariage, people see their partner "change". They see a new side that was not prevalent during the dating period. I have to add that there might have been some red flags but we also tend to ignore them in the name of love. When I was dating my ex husband, we would always discuss careers. And he was always the one pushing me to aspire for more. He even wanted me to study law at some point to become a lawyer. Then after 2 years of mariage, during my first pregnancy, he told me over lunch that he wanted a stay at home wife to take care of the children. I was so stunned because never in the entire time we were dating, did he show any signs of being a very conservative man. Even after I gave birth, he still encouraged me to get a job, driving me to interviews and such. Did he knew all along that he wanted a stay at home wife but could not tell me for fear that I would stop dating him? Or did he realised it just when he was faced with my first pregnancy and he did not know how we would handle caring for the child while both of us would be working? I shall never know.
The other issues I have with the questions is that people change over time. The person might give you a truthful answer at the time you asked but after 5 years of mariage, feels differently. I always wanted to have many children. I used to say that if I had the money I would have 11 children. I never really discussed how many children my husband and I would have but we both wanted them. It was what was expected of us after all. But as soon as I had my first son, in a land far away from family and friends, I changed my mind. I was so tired of taking care of him that I had decided that I was done having children. It took some convincing from my husband, three years later to agree to have another one.
What I would suggest people do is to talk, have a normal conversation. You should not directly ask for a question and expect a truthful answer. You would be better off having a normal discussion with that person about his work, his family life, his experiences. You can learn a lot when you let someone talk. In Wolof, (local language in Senegal) there is a saying: "Wakh fegn" which translates to if you talk, you expose yourself. I was once on a date with a man, I asked about his family and he started telling me about his ex-wife and his mother. I was sitting there listening to him and I immediatly knew that this won't go anywhere. The things he told me about his family were a turn off. It was also the way he was talking. It did not sit well with me. I did give him another "chance" but after a while I had to let him go.
What to do with people who do not talk, who keep everything to themselves? Put them in situations and see how they react. It might not tell you everything you need to know, but it is a start. I am not saying that you should deliberatly put them in a tight spot like create some unecessary dramas to see how they would react. I find that to be manipulative and dangerous. But look how they act in social settings, at the restaurant how they talk to the waiter. Moreover, instead of blantantly asking them a question, phrase a problem and ask them what they would do if they were in the same situation. Play the what if game, but subtly. And if they still do not open up, give it time. Some people are less vocal than others. However, if the person is deliberatly keeping things from you, then there is no point keeping up the relationship.
I am not saying that you should not be having 21 questions with your dates. It is very important to know where both of you are at the moment and where you plan on going. So ask those questions. But know how and when to ask them. It should not be an interrogation laced with judgements. It should be a free flowing continuous discussion. Even after the mariage, the conversation should be ongoing because things may change. Take some time to discuss with your partner every now and then. They say communication is the key, but it should be communication with a purpose, open and truthful.
Now let us talk about this look, I wore for the first birthday party of my last child (nephew). My brother and sister in law organized it in this beautiful venue I had forgotten even existed: Cerle Mess des Officiers in Dakar, near the train station. I used to organize and go to balls here. Now the park can be also used for parties. It was a hot day and I wanted to wear something cute but practical for the occasion. I knew I would be running around after little children. So I dig up my favorite skinny jeans and paired it whith extravagant ruffle blouse. I completed the look with golden accessories and cream sunglasses. What do you think?
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