What nobody told me about Divorce!

Dear readers

Today, I will discuss something very personal. I usually talk about style, and travel here but today I want to discuss about relationships. I specifically want to talk about my divorce.  

It has been more than 5 years now since I divorced my husband of almost 12 years. I am not going to dwell on why we divorced because I think that it is nobody's business but ours. Instead, I will discuss about all the things I went through or learned during my divorce that nobody warned me about. To be fair, at the time, I did not have divorced people in my circle, therefore no one could have warned me about it. And it was something that was not planned or prepared. Which leads me to my first lesson:

1- The same way you prepare for a marriage, you should also prepare for a divorce

My divorce was out of the blue. It was not something I had planned. And I guess I should have. I should have learned about the local laws on marriage and divorce. I should have learned about my rights as a wife before taking the plunge. I also should have saved money because divorces are expensive. I was lucky to go and live in my parents home but what would have happened to me if they were not around? I shudder to think about it. If you move out of your marital home and have nowhere to go, you might need an apartment. And we all know moving to a new place can be expensive. Moreover, if you are going to take legal actions and hire a lawyer, you need funds to pay him or her. Therefore, if divorce is something you consider, I suggest you get prepared on all fronts, economically, mentally and legally.

Scarf - Gift

Blouse - Numero Uno

Pants - thrifted

Bag - Jolof Cuir Collection

Shoes - Petersen Market

2- You have no other option but to be strong.

Whenever I pictured divorcing, I had an image of myself, lying in a bed in my parents home, crying myself to sleep every night for months. But what really happened was still far from it. Yes, there were many nights when I cried. But there were many more nights when I could not sleep, haunted by my situation. There were times I cried or burst in anger at the office and at home. I was depressed. I was aggravated. I also blamed God a lot.  And I missed my children who were with their father. However,  I had no other choice but to be strong. Everyday, I got up, prayed, washed my face, put on my best smile and went on to live the best life I could at the moment. At that period in my life, I also used distraction to avoid my feelings. I subscribed to Netflix and spent hours watching movies, thrillers to be exact. I stayed away of anything romantic. I would go out a lot, exploring this new freedom of mine and discovering new things. I should have seek professional help to deal with it once and for all. 

3- Get a support system

 I was lucky because I had support around me. My family and my friends were the best, always cheering me up. With them, I became candid about my feelings and my expectations. And I was lucky because as much as they loved me, they never sugar coated the truth about my situation. They also never made me feel less of a person because I was now a divorcee. Moreover I was grateful to find in my office so many divorcees who all shared their experiences with me. I felt like I was no longer alone drowning in a sea of sorrow.  If you are planning on divorcing, please do not do it alone. If you do not have supportive parents, surround yourself with supportive friends. And get a therapist. At the end of the day, we are not meant to be alone and it is only in situations like these that we realize it.

4- You are no longer a family

When you were married for as long as I were and had children, divorcing can be tough because you lose a sense of that family. For as far as I could remember, it was always the four of us, doing almost everything together. I did have a little life outside of my immediate family. I was always so devoted to them. After the divorce, I could not anymore. And for a while, I had to deal with the fact that it will no longer be the four of us. It hurts, really really bad. Right after my separation, I remember going to the grocery store and seeing a family of three: Dad, Mom and a young girl sitting inside the shopping cart. Just seeing them interact, reminded me of what I had lost and I started crying right then and there. For months, it was hard for me to go to any grocery stores, department stores, parks without crying. I am better now but it still feel a little pinch inside my heart.

5- But You still have a bond with the person you divorced

In my case, I shared two boys with that person, which means that whether I want it or not, I still have to be in touch with the person, interact with him for the sake of my children, particularly when he has custody of them. I am usually a very nice person but over the years I have learned to distance myself from people who do not bring any joy to my life or who are draining my energy. I believe in protecting my peace at all costs. However, in this case I cannot block my ex husband or act like he never existed. And it affects me in ways I wished it did not. I have to be patient and bite my tongue trying to stay cordial for my babies. Thankfully as the boys grow up, we have less chances to interact. 

6- I miss intimacy

I was married for 12 years which means that I used to get sex on the regular. It is one of the greatest thing about being married. At the beginning, I was too busy dealing with my violent emotions to notice. But after a while, the horniness starts creeping in. We are humans after all. Funnily enough, it is not exactly sex itself that I miss.  It is the fact that it was easily available. Moreover, it is the intimacy that comes with it that I want. The fact that you share a bed with someone and in the middle of the night, he spoons you. Or just feeling someone's warm body next to yours. Intimacy is underrated as I believe it takes a lot of courage and vulnerability to be intimate with someone. 

7- Loneliness is not your enemy

I was lonely. I still get lonely from time to time. But the loneliness is nothing new. I was lonely even while being married. It is what I chose to do with that loneliness that makes a difference. At first, I did everything to avoid it: going out shopping, to restaurants, to parties. I was game for anything just to avoid being by myself. And I let that loneliness put me in situations I never again want to be in .  After a while I let that loneliness crept in. I let it invade me. I cried for a while then I embrace it. I started thinking about what it meant. And it is not so bad once you do not allow it to put you in a depressive and negative state. I am actually enjoying these years by myself because I get to discover who I truly am (even if sometimes I really do not like the person I discover) and what I am capable of. 

8- You will get better but you will never be the same

This divorce  has changed me. I no longer believe in fairy tales, and happy endings. I am a very realistic borderline negative person. I do not know what life has in stores for me and frankly sometimes I barely care. I still make plans because there are tons of things I want to do. Being divorced does not mean that my life is over. I am starting over but I need to allow myself the time needed to heal so that I can start on a better and healthier path. Right now, I am not healed. I am still very angry and I have not really grieved. I am not even sure I want to get married again. Men, particularly in my country, are proving to me every day that they are not worth my time, trust and love. And marriage, Senegalese marriage feels like a trap. Now that I have tasted freedom and peace, there is no way I can go back to oppression and depression inflicted by a man. However, I am content. I am doing much better than 5 years ago. I can now wake up and decide what to do with my day, have a control on how things can go. I can decide what to wear, what to eat and where to go without having to ask for permission or approval. This feels way better than being called Mrs. 

Divorce is one thing I would not even wish on my enemy. It brings out the worst in people. I would always suggest counseling to a married couple with problems before divorce. But sometimes it is inevitable. And since it is legal in front of men and in my case, my religion, I gave myself the right to do it. I have no regrets of going through it. The regrets I have is not being ready enough, not preparing myself enough. But we live and we learn. 

And no! I am not going back! (but that is a story for another day)