41 and counting
Who ever said: "Age ain't nothing but a number." is a liar (Sorry Aaliyah). I turned 41 recently. And I am feeling the age. Funnily enough I am not sure how a 41 year old is supposed to feel. We live in a world with ageism, where women try to look (and feel) younger. JLo is 50 but she looks 30. And I am constantly told that my scarf and weight makes me look older. I cannot recall the number of times I have been called Madame or Grandma on the streets.
It does bother me but not as much as feeling old. I can no longer handle sleepless nights. If I go out past a certain hour I feel sleepy. Sometimes it is hard getting up in the morning. I have also noticed that my knee hurts when I pray. A simple sneeze can give me lower back pain or a wry neck. Not eating in the morning can sometimes give me headache, the same as eating too much greasy food.
I tend to disregard this body of mine, to pity it for going through so many changes. But I forget that this body is still strong, it is still going. Yes, I have problems seeing, breathing, even holding a fart sometimes (TMI, I know). But I can walk miles and miles, for hours and hours, I can lift my two year old niece and even run after her. I seem to have more energy than my boys. I can use my brain cells to think of solutions to complex problems. Hell, even this heart I wanted to be numb is still capable of pumping blood, of loving and caring. I am still alive and thriving even during this pandemic we have lost so many dear souls. I may or may not have caught Covid. I have not been tested. But I have not been really sick this past year. Therefore I am grateful.
It is easy to dwell on all the things we thought we would have by this age. However, we forget that arriving to this age itself is a blessing. So many others, younger, did not make it. I am here, with family and loved ones, not only surviving but thriving. My life is not perfect but everyday I wake up, I am working hard to get it close to perfection. I could work harder, and doubt myself a little less. I suppose it is an exercice that I need to practive everdyday. I think I am happy. Or at least I am content. Instead of worrying about where I should have been, maybe I should focus on where I am at this moment. After all, maybe I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Maybe this is it for now.
I do pray for more. I am willing to work for more. But what is more? More money? More opportunities?More success? More experiences? More memories? More time? Will I ever get it all? And once I get it, will it be enough? Or will I always want more? These are questions, I try not to dwell on even if they cross my mind from time to time. All I know is that I am grateful and blessed to have turned 41. I pray GOD I live on this earth longer, long enough.
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